You might think off-brand products are, “just as good,” but I learned my lesson at Lollapalooka.
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Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!
can of beans: never!
(whirring noises)
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
I have taken up painting
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!