You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
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If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
idk why doctors only give stickers to kids?
like hello i was also brave today
Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen