You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
You Might Also Like
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train
Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
My favorite type of men is ramen.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back: