you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
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My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Good morning
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.