Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died

my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar

I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.

If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up

My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.

My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.

Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.

Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.

When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.

Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.

Me: I think I’d rather drive.

your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone

New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads

When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.

To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.

Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.

Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting

RIDDLER: What has–

BATMAN: A gazebo

ROBIN: Matches

RIDDLER: Let me finish-

BM: A paperweight

R: Dental floss

RIDDLER: I hate you guys

I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?

It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.

Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?

Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.

Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday

Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign

Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes

Phone

Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*

Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?

Me: A spider bit me

P: What kind?

Me: The dead now kind.

Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not

Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?

Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.

Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!

I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.

Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.

Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.

Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”

can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed

I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.

I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.