You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
You Might Also Like
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?