Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die

You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.

Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.

Someone: how are you?

Me: thanks, you too.

You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.

Crush: what are u doing

Me: laying in bed listening to music

Crush: nice what kind

Me: it’s memory foam

Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist

Me: Picasso

when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week

[first day as an architect]

boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”

me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”

boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”

me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*

Just cringing at the memory of saying goodbye to my friend after a coffee, they said “enjoy the rest of your day” and I replied, “you too, have fun!”

They were going to a funeral.

you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:

“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”

well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:

“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”

BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.

8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good

Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby

8: not like before

I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.

DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!

ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!

FAMINE: What did you expect?

ME: lol

WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!

ME: you want a sugar cube?

FAMINE:… Yes

You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.

When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready

My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”

me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything

me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango

i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all

I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school

Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out is Wendy’s.

What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?

Asking for our friend, Siobhan.

On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.

Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??

If you’re having a bad day I just want you to know I asked the paint guy at the counter for a gallon of “Menstrual Rose” when it was actually “Minstrel Rose” …so ya

*carpools to work*

Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops

ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??

ME: yeah, totally

[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]

ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T

After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.

All that money and nothing to chauffer it.

[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”

It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel

“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace

“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice

[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.

-husbands everywhere