Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at lunch with friend]

Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.

Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?

Friend: Exactly *winks*

The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?

Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!

By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl

Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?

Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.

911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!

Spinach: *laughs maniacally*

WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.

CUTE JOKE ALERT!

the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.

CUTE JOKE OVER!

[on a date]

Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?

I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.

[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow

Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.

Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*

No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.

Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…

[in the park]

Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…

Her: uh huh, I guess…

Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]

Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.

Mean things I kind of want to do:

1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.

2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”

Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person

[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]

“Did you say single?”

There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.

“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed

Springsteen: baby we were born to run

Springsadult: let’s just take a cab

“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow

If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.

I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.

Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles

God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher

My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent

“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo

My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler

waiter: what would you like?

me: maybe the steak

waiter: and what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have the steak too