“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
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GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
What makes us human?
Selecting all images with traffic lights
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Shout out to humans as bipedals, positively freakish the way our posture’s all straight up and vulnerable. Nobody in the game doin it like we do
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness