“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
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Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
we’re dead?
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.