@karencheee

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” – neighborhood drunk

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@FU_TangClan

me: the heart wants what the heart wants

heart: please stop drin-

me: whiskey it is

@leakypod

winery employee: can u tell what this one has hints of

me:

winery employee:

me: hm [swirls glass, sniffs] grapes

@Gupton68

Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?

Wife: Of course

M: Even tho it’ll upset them?

W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind

M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then

W: I despise you

@Tmoney68

How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?

“Sir, this is a liquor store.”

@TheBoydP

My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…

@robfee

Finding Nemo (2003) A father is criticized for being overprotective after his wife & kids are murdered & his only surviving son is kidnapped

@TVsCarlKinsella

ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.