me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” – neighborhood drunk
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winery employee: can u tell what this one has hints of
me: hm [swirls glass, sniffs] grapes
I’m only married if you’re ugly.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
When Catwoman gets older, does she become Cougarwoman?
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
“please human with me” – bear
Finding Nemo (2003) A father is criticized for being overprotective after his wife & kids are murdered & his only surviving son is kidnapped
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
ALBUS: I can’t control them.