“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
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My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
The Eggorcist
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
We are never ever ever getting back together 🎶
Tupperware lids
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?