“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
You Might Also Like
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Love is always patient and kind.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios