“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
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Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
me: this water is not hydrating me.
wife: that’s because it’s tequila.
me: that explains why I’m naked
target cashier:
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
plums roundup
i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Just a reminder, folks:
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.