You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
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I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
neighborhood watch
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
This kinda thing happens to me often
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
dutch so unserious
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*
Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.