Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately

Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL

Bartender: I’m cutting you off

If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.

All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.

The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.

People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.

Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task

meanwhile over on facebook

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”

“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.

Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.

noooooo don’t hurt yourself

let me do it

it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking

Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.

Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.

(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)

Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).

My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.

God: check this out

Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do

God: I made parking cost $10

[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you

What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”

These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.

There are 2 kinds of people in this world;

1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math

I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.

mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday

“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”

-me in every social situation

When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.

I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.

Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.

My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.

“shake what ya momma gave ya!”

*starts shaking low self-esteem*