You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
You Might Also Like
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Me: [wisely] what goes around, comes around
Ferris wheel operator: [annoyed] please stop saying that every time you go past
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.
When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”