You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
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Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Nice try, poison.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya