You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
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Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
8 year old: we’re learning about ancient Rome at school
me: awesome! I’ve actually been to the Colosseum
8 year old: did you watch the people fighting?
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Breaking news:
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
My mood is currently on “shuffle.”
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
I missed you with all my darts
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
[Wine tasting]
Do you have anything in a 24 Pepsi?
— Benny 'Last Man' Rollins (@citizenkawala) December 14, 2024
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.