You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
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Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
