growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
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Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
It’s actually Dr. whatever