You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
You Might Also Like
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Do you look ludicrous in tight, illuminous clothing? Or enjoy paying a fortune to tear ligaments? What about going fast and stopping by slamming your face against a tree? You do? Then why not book a skiing holiday?
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
when revenge coincides with naptime
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Just why bro?!
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet