You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
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Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Going to start referring to my contacts as “eyebuds”
Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
When someone says you are so lazy
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Me in tagged photos
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one