Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “ I brought you a raspberry danish”

Dentist: * tightening his bathrobe * “ this isn’t what I meant when I said that you need to visit me more often”

Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.

If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.

optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires

Dogs should be allowed to drive.

If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.

Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.

Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation

Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.

The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.

I just locked eyes with a spider.

But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe

Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.

Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.

Who called them Underpants ?

And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?

If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.

She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick

*At The Opera*

Her: Where are you going?

Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.

Her: I have the car keys.

Me: Shit!

(At the dentist)

‘Your grinding isn’t good.’

Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.

I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.

😏😏😏

date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no

If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.

Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?

It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.

Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.

“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks

I finished three books yesterday.

Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!

Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy

A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”