Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.

I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous

My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.

Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane

New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”

My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.

Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done

imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that

didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off

I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.

Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.

ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.

The internet is magic sometimes.

big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.

Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away

Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.

Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.

“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”

Drunks and 1 year olds.

“Oh hi, you’re home early”

My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.

I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.

Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off

He challenged me to eat just one chip.

So I had two. Dozen.

My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.

If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.

Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked

an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid

me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally