You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
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Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*
Me:
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Until I was a young I adult, I thought that a general anaesthetic was one that was used all over the country. And a local one was one that was just used where I lived
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.