Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.

[texting]

-have a good day

You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂

-please stop texting me

Ha! You two!

It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views

The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.

Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?

Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?

Me: I don’t want to talk about it.

Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT

Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.

It was a tampede.

I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.

when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst

Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.

Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.

[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7

Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.

Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.

i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are

You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care

I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.

My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end

DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah

I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed

Me: how d’ya like them apples?

Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*

in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground

White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.

Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.

I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book

I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.

One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early