Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.

if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption

The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.

DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?

ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’

DATING COACH: Show me

*I bite my lip seductively*

DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?

My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”

Me: “Sure I don’t.”

“This is from the both of us”

– my parents giving me mental illness

There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?

And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.

20s: insufficient funds

30s: insufficient fun

Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.

I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there

My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪

What is love?

You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?

[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so

At what age should you put the tonsils back in

No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.

A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.

“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts

One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.

Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.

Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms

Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.

5 Stages of Pregnancy:

1: Crying

2: Peeing

3: Crying because you peed

4: Peeing because you’re crying

5: The toilet is your home now

Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one

*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*

If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read

When I worked in a pottery factory I thought it would be a laugh to hide in the big kiln but it wasn’t so funny when I was fired!

If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”