Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

15: I smell upsexy.

Me: What the hell is upsexy?

15: Not much. What’s up with you?

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?

ME: Getting out of corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?

ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?

ME: Guess this is my time to shine.

– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination

“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff

I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.

moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”

Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:

Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%

No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….

Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull

If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.

If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college

3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed

Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*

Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture

Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE

Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy

Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll

Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You

Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you

I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…

[if my cat tweeted]

When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.

My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.

[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”

You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.

I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.

If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.

Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones

Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant

Mom: *hysterical crying*

Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*

Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS

Me: You know what I don’t get?

Friend: Laid.

Me:

Friend:

Me: You know what else I don’t get?

Guns don’t kill people

People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people

really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context

[crumpled up paper on floor]

*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…*

*leaves it*