You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
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I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER