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@ThugRaccoons: You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
@Ian_H5: JOB INTERVIEWER: so, what was your last job?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: bodybuilding
@sofarrsogud: ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
@duplicitron: Today is the day I release the coyote I trained on Windows 95 back into the wild.
@Sassafrantz: Dear Diary, men think about sex every 7 seconds. I do that with pizza.
@Tw1tter_K1tten: The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.