You: My kid loves piano

My kid: *licking the piano keys*

Me: Same

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WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS


Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.


Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god

Plastic surgeon: We can help with-

Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement


Him: no one will steal your identity that way

Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that


A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.

Everyone else in the bar leaves.


*puts it in perspective

Perspective: Wrong hole.


Cop: Why did you burn that building down?

Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.

Cop: You’re free to go.


[at restaurant]

Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?

Me: Just one, thanks.

Wife (clears throat): Two.


If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.


[keeps slapping empty glass ketchup bottle until the entire cafe is silent]