You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
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*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this