You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
You Might Also Like
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.