You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
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There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Monday?
No. Next question.
Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”