You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
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Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.