You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
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You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
next level snooze
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
the three genders
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
wtf management?!
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum