Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time my phone rings

I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.

Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.

My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!

How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.

I just want to be as happy as these people singing about diabetes medication

Do you want contact-free delivery?

□ Yes
▣ No

Interviewer: what makes you stand out?

Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.

Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?

Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.

One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”

Me, the invisible duster: ok

At the urinal in an I-95 rest stop bathroom:

Siri’s voice (from my back pocket): Turn left.

Man to the left of me: Please don’t.

Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.

I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.

Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.

Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.

I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now

“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”

Let’s ride.

So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.

i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton

*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.

my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68f

me: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?

Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.

Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.

sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze

My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.

Me: What does that even mea—

My mother: You have a low forehead.

My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.

We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”

Why is it so humiliating when you’re browsing clothes in store and an item falls off the hanger, and when you try and put it back on it’s like you’ve never used a clothes hanger before in your life

At Toys R Us:

TRU: Yessir?

Me: I want a light saber.

TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?

Me: 40ish

” National No Bra Day”?

I say pics or it didn’t happen day.

I’m all “class”.

The first two letters really aren’t necessary.

Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.