Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur

People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?

3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body

Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!

They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.

“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.

“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”

“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.

[trick-or-treating]

Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!

Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.

My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old

My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.

I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.

I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.

I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders

Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute

Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds

Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.

Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?

Me: only twice a year

Them: and how long does it last?

Me: 6 months

Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)

When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.

NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.

ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?

Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”

*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*

my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me

Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-

Robin: you LIKE him!

Batman: omg shut up lol I do not

“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate

I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.

What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?

Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.

Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*

Me: Dammit.

I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.

My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:

For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash

It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.

For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.

“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”