“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
You Might Also Like
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me