You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
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I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Anime is real
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”