Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing

i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.

I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian

When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.

[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”

[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain

Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.

Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.

Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.

GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.

ANGEL: *sighs* Fine

GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month

My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.

Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!

My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!

Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,

My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.

Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:

Any room my wife is not in – 1%

Any room my wife is in – 92%

Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.

“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”

Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised

“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”

FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner

♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫

What do you call a factory that makes okay products?

A satisfactory.

BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.

Tastes victory

Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!

If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.

The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.

My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction

They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.

I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.

at ease…shoulder.