you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?
[eats all your cotton candy]
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
This is the one
