you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
