you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Art by Pastelkatto
pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor
tv execs: go on
pitch: but he is better than other doctors
tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*
pitch: because of his Condition
tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
First date idea: I lean in close and surprise you with a wet willy.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
ok this is my dumbest yet
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
