you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
oh, you’re in a situationship?
are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
