you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
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My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.