“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
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If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Chicago sounds lovely.
