Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”

At a fried chicken place, looks delicious

I came, I saw, I got allergies

~ Julius Sneezer

Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”

I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.

I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol

Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.

Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?

If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.

Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave

My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???

REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.

RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair

JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this

I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next

Why do I have so many emails?

I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.

“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.

When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”

what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing

A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.

“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God

I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks

HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk

There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me

We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.

The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.

It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.

Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first

Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.