You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
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Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
I have no idea what is happening here but it is the best thing I’ve seen today!
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?