“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
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Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
this article brought to you by lions
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Stop being $50 to eat, food.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor