Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*

Ice Spice v. Mice Spice

Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?

[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?

I’d love this…lol

are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked

“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder

5yo: Mom is 47!

Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.

Me: I’m 37.

Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.

I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…

[looking at photo album]

Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy

Son: Why is your hair spiky…

Daughter: …and long in the back?

Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.

My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”

Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?

Me: Well, we have a problem.

Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.

Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.

#Caturday

DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ

I can’t find my toddler.

I can’t find the duct tape.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears

Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it

Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets

Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”

DON’T STOP BELIEVING!

…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time

Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.

I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”

Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color

[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it

[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair

I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.

My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”

I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”