“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
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Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.
Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading
You can tell a lot about someone by the stuff you make up in your head about them.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else