“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
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I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Which is it, brain?
Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything
How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO