You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
You Might Also Like
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.