“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
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WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
No one:
My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
A little girl in my class asked me if I like her more than cupcakes and now she won’t stop crying.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
A song I wrote for the happy couple: “Julie, Letting You Go Was Without A Doubt the Biggest Mistake of My Life.”
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.