“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
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hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
My wife is so cute with her love of crime documentaries and her fascination with serial killers and her internet searches for “untraceable poisons” and “how to dispose of a body.” Wait.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
How do I get a job writing these texts
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Remember folks 😂
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
True
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.