“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
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Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Important
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!