Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.

My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.

So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.

*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”

I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.

Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.

Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.

Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.

You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.

If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.

a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.

For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.

If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.

Dear Gym,

I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…

I’m just using you to get into my own pants.

If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.

I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.

Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.

Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”

No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.

The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”

You are what you eat! (If anyone needed more encouragement to eat the rich.)

My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.

“I can’t eat all of that!”

… and other lies I tell

Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.

I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”

The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.

I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.

If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.

Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.

[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking