Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest

I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.

8: I wrote my list for Santa

Me: aren’t you going to ask how he is before you launch into your list of demands?

8: P.S. so…. how’s it going?

Me: perfect

Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.

You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..

Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?

Barber: What would you like today?

Me: Make me look attractive.

Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!

These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.

I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines

[My son’s 1st day of school]

ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast

TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now

“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”

*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*

For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.

GUY: how’s it going?

ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron

How did you break your leg?

[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.

If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.

I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?

That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.

DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:

– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash

– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth

– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry

netflix: are you still watching

me: no

netflix: then can i watch what i want now

If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.

My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: can you just shoot me please

You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.

*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”

Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠

Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.

I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.

Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?

Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”