You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.
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My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
nothing saves money like being antisocial
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
This makes total sense…
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6