You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.
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Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese
Girlfriend: Yes probably more
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
It’s either five or nothing bro
– if wet wipes could talk
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
happy halloween
