You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.
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No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Why aren’t auto body shops called…
“Fender Bender Menders??.”
And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.
And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house