Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: how d’ya like them apples?

Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*

It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…

friend: your name badge is on upside down

If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.

Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.

Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.

Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.

No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.

People who are bad at hiding, I see you

woke up on the wrong side of the jed today

If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.

If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.

This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.

Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet

An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!

My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often

Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.

I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.

I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.

I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book

How’d you get those bruises?

*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*

Karate.

{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.

There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.

[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon

I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.

It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.

BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!

ME: i joined CrossFit

PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin

*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*

*serves poached eggs*

Me: Can you describe the suspect?

Him: He was heavily armed

Me *writing octopus* this is bad

THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.