You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
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I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this
ok like just. call me at this point
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
#parenting
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.