You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
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I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
If it hurts you more than it hurts them then you are holding the taser wrong
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
me as a parent
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
[30 seconds into a jazz song]
Omg, I think I really like jazz![30 seconds later]
Alright, enough of this
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition