My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
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Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Ah yes. The three genders
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed