Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
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Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
The flight attendant keeps saying “Please stop asking for peanuts. Busses don’t have flight attendants.”
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”