@principe_viii

“You never go out”

“Why are you always home?”

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@AbbieEvansXO

[zombie apocalypse]

Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up

@Marcmywords2

Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.

@CAshmanActor

[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?

@JimmerThatisAll

Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.

Me: Neither are you.

Zen master: Oh bugger.

@Glittery_Love

I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.

What did YOU think I’m talking about?

Weirdos!!

@GFGander

There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat

@skullpuppy11

The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.

@DearAuntAbby

Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.

@BrandonEsWolf

The flight attendant keeps saying “Please stop asking for peanuts. Busses don’t have flight attendants.”

@BriarSlyMadness

*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*

“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”