You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
You Might Also Like
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
I think I’m having a stroke
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
My funeral
My Boss (sobbing)….. How could you do this today??
We’re so understaffed
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Above the law? I’m 5’3” tall, I’m barely above the counter.