You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
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[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
PSA: if you are experiencing performance issues in Stardew Valley 1.6, remove all hats from pets. We will address the problem as soon as possible
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse