You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
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I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
It’s his time
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Siri, fight Alexa.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”