You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
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My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”
That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
23. the denim jacket
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.