You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
![]()
You Might Also Like
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.