You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
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How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that’s where I was going.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
“Worm Regards”
Botany good plants lately?
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.