You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
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ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
*uses Ouija board*
ＮＥＷ ＰＨＯＮＥ ＷＨＯ ＤＩＳ
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
*looks at you in batman voice*
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?