You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
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Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired
“No way.” -Jose
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps