Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*

BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?

Kids: We’re bored!

Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?

You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.

Shots it is!

What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?

If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.

not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest

can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine

All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.

In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be

This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.

4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.

I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there

Colleague: any children?

Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids

Wife: We’ve got 3 kids

Me: I stand by what I said

The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.

How to find out if you old.

(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.

Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.

Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.

People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.

They must have gotten it to go.

The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.

Interview Tip #17

be polite and maintain eye contact

[later]

Interviewer: hello

Me: *staring intensely* yes please

Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out

Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.

Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.

I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.

[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me

my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.

I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!

What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker