You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
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I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it